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Thinking about it now, however, it felt like we were both at the same place the entire time. Wherever we are in our journey does not determine positions on a hierarchy, but rather, our own, equally important and independent perspectives of queer life.

So, in a sense, he was more “evolved” than me because he applied this truth in the way that he listened to me.

I want someone who’s better than me and can tell me that it gets better. I don’t see him as more “evolved” than me even though I would have before the date.

Someone who can see who I am by hearing me out, not by my clothes. He would let me pour my heart out to him and still want it once I’m done crying on him and writing about crying on him. It’s funny to look back at what I wrote now while I was high on angst. I guess you could say I did find the ideal boy I defined above, but I won’t.

What an interesting situation I’ve found myself in. The person who I went on the date with made me completely flip my opinion.

I’ve never been one to show my work, but I will if it’s already done. My experience with like-liking boys is marginal but I already look for lovers.

And I don’t just cry about my struggles with gayness, brownness and their intersections. Unfortunately, I feel like the person I can do this with is too far out of my reach. I would never place him against this criteria born out of frustration, or say that he has that “one thing.” But we’re definitely something.

He’s gorgeous, but of course, looks aren’t everything. The one he was serving made me forget about dinner until he brought it up (it was a lunch date at a bagel stop, but I just got a smoothie at its start too).

He is better than me, and he made me better for it.

We’re seeing each other again after the break ends. Literally everything, and I still wouldn’t change a thing.

He made me smile at the mirror the next morning while I was getting ready.

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